4 more days

October 26, 2011 7:15 PM

Until my art book will be available for preorder!

´Д` Then I can finally post new art and move on with my life LOL… and then 2 or 3 more weeks and then I can finally DRAW NEW ART why did I bring this on myself LMAO. I don’t mind drawing a ton of pages per week but it really helps improve my mental state to know that I can slack and draw other stuff anytime I feel the need to and I’m just being responsible with my choices, rather than telling myself I’m doing this because if I don’t I won’t finish stuff in time ughh

I realized a while ago when chatting with a friend that I am all business when it comes to reaching milestones (AS I AM WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ACTUALLY…) so I decided to celebrate my art book a little and go out for some ice cream on preorder night HAHA… I can’t believe I wanted to go for like the past 1-2 years and I NEVER WENT, even though it’s like 10 minutes from my place what is wrong with me ): but fear not ice cream crepes, I will come claim you this weekend.

I’m pretty much done with my late romantic period so I’ve been looking for different music to listen to, and looking through billions of songs you’ve heard billions of times is HARD HAHA. But I’m back to baroque stuff now–or in this case late romantic renditions of baroque stuff LOL. I fucking love the fact that they’re so focused on forms (not sure if this one applies tho I don’t deserve to pass music history lmao) I don’t know why this always gets me off so much more than emotional downpours of romantic stuff and totally makes me wanna cry. same for art, too! I just may have some serious obsessions over control and constrain

Anyway have some busoni! This is only the second half but this is what I’ve been listening to haha

Ending with a wall of self reflection which might inflict brain damage so I’ll put that behind the cut (:

when I was in new york I stayed with a friend of my family who is a psychiatrist. She is really busy/stressed out most of the time, and she has been living alone because of her work location, all this along with her profession made her really enjoy talking to people, and we chatted it up the few nights that I stayed at her place, about my career and my opinions on what I’m doing. It was kind of like what happened at Otakuthon with my parents’ other friends, but she was much nicer and less imposing because she saw me as more of a subject than a family friend’s kid who didnt know what she is doing and needs to be saved. She regularly brought up sharing, collaboration, and responsibilities to those around me during the discussion and in the end she was like… you are so weird, you ENJOY solitariness when others find comfort in caring for each other.

It’s a really obvious statement about me but she describes it in a much less stereotyping way than me trying to be a loner. In the end from that and what my mom says about me, I realize I just trained myself to be incredibly selfish and a control freak. My interest is solely between the subject and myself, no one else is involved in anyway more than spectating because I don’t want them to hinder me. no one can really be as into carciphona as I am for obvious reasons, and as for music… I focused on my instrument which is a solo one in contrast to an orchestral instrument, or even an instrument requiring accompaniment (eg voice), and what’s more I’m a solo pianist and not a collaborative one, so my entire learning experience was really between the music and solely myself. It’s almost like I build better relationships with inanimate objects and concepts better than with people. I always liked not having to cooperate with the need of others and much rather do everything by myself. Sometimes, I look at groups experiencing the inevitable fall out and feel secretly glad for myself.

A company can’t get big without sharing and collaboration, I understand that, but I really don’t believe in following principles for the sake of showing people I understand it, especially if it doesn’t benefit my situation. I’m not going to hire an orchestra for a concert for the off chance that I might want to perform a concerto, but because I’ve learned to think like this in order to be efficient, I ended up being aloof even during the times when I don’t want to be. I ended up being able to justify it as a reasonable price to pay to avoid trouble and grief in the future. I can’t always control others, but I can always control myself, so I’d much rather deal with putting away my spurs of social needs than resolving quarrels with others. I’ve almost lost sight of myself this way, all I can see is my goal for a little while.

Strangely this year I’ve met a lot of people who have amazing experience and insight into things I was doing, and it was a little puzzling how it all managed to happen because what are the chances? Just as I do something new and unfamiliar, it’s like these people are god sent. It occurred to me that maybe it was just because I wasn’t looking before, but whatever it is I hope I will be able to constantly remind myself to not let such a good opportunity go, and start extending my connections because I finally need it now. It’s so tiring and draining on me because even though I’m trying my best to be sincere about it, all I am doing is being dishonest since I just don’t feel this kind of external connection with people. But hopefully each time I try to do this I will get a step or two little farther than the time before.

24 Comments

  • Cricat

    I had just ordered your artbook XD so excited XD
    does it have many new artworks which you haven't uploaded anywhere? XD

    • it did, but they're on this website now (: I intend on uploading them to DA later to promote the book